It is on days like this one that I find myself missing my dear departed friend, the Medusa. She was filled with a love of life and was always a joy to be around. Well, with the exception of her breath, that is. Good Gravy, that woman had the foulest breath from here to Hades' unwashed behind. People alway talk about her deadly gaze. It was her deadly breath that would knock you to your knees, let me tell you.
But even with her uncontrollable halitosis, Medusa was by far the greatest companion I ever had. No matter the time of day or the day of the week, whenever I was in the mood for bar crawling, the Medusa was ready to go along with me. And really, she had the most beautiful face you've ever seen. This, more often then not, would attract all of the pretty boys to where we were sitting, giving us both a great deal of eye candy to admire.
There was one time we were sitting at a table for four in our favorite bar, The Sober Sot, when the beautiful Achilles and his boytoy Patroklus joined us unexpectedly. They were drawn in, you see, by the power of the Medusa's eyes. No man was able to resist her charm. I immediately took the opportunity to make friends with them both, leading to a most memorable weekend at my estate. Patroklus and I hit it off very quickly and spent most of our time together in the bedroom, Achilles looking on the whole time. And in case you are wondering, the Medusa never returned home with me after I found that night's bed partner. She kept me company, helped me find suitable lover, and then disappeared. She was the perfect fag hag.
All that came to an end, though, after she had a tempestuous affair with a ne'er-do-well down at the heels hero named Perseus. How she hooked up with him, I never found out, but once she did, he became her entire world. I was surprised at her fascination with him, to be truthful, because she had never found a straight man attractive in all the years I had known her. And though I was happy because she was happy, something didn't sit right with me.
I remember we had a fight about him one evening. I expressed my concerns over Perseus and his secret disappearances, but the Medusa didn't want to hear it. She accused me of being jealous, and said I wanted him for my own. She said that if I couldn't support her in her love for Perseus, that our friendship was over.
That was the last time I saw her alive. Soon after our fall out, I heard that the Medusa had been found dead in her grotto, her head missing. I knew it had to be that rogue Perseus, and vowed to avenge my friend's death. Before I knew it, Perseus was being hailed as a hero for killing the Medusa, and I didn't dare take action against him then. He had become too high profile.
So now, I sit in the bars alone, watching the pretty boys walk around me. A few still stop by to talk and get to know me, but because I've become old and respectable, not because they find me sexy anymore. I'm not sure which of us suffered over the death of their youth more, the Medusa, who lost her head over a misplaced love, or me, who has been dying a slow death for years now.
Excerpt from The Memoirs of Dr Mandragora: From the Maudlin to the Macabre
