Does anyone else have someone they really hate, or is it just me? I am somewhat embarrassed to admit, but I, Dr Mandragora, have, or I should say had, someone in my life who just rubbed me the wrong way. I think part of the reason for that was that we were complete opposites in every way. I try to get along with others; he stepped on everyone's toes. I treat others with respect; he used and abused people . I am 5' 11"; he was 3' tall. Yes, I said 3'. His name was Mortimer Dumpty, aka, "Humpty" Dumpty.
Now, far be it for me to speak ill of the dead, but I am compelled to let people know about this scoundrel and ask that parents stop teaching their children that he was a beloved figure with a tragic end.
Let me start at the beginning. Mortimer and I were both serving King Henry VIII at the time, him as Minister of the Exchequer and I as the court magician. Since I had quite a bit of free time on my hands, I got to know all of the servants very well. This is when Mortimer's dastardly deeds first came to my attention. All of the little serving girls and chamber maids were deathly afraid of being cornered by the man. When I asked why, they explained that he had no qualms about forcing himself upon them, no matter their age, and having his way with them. It was the girls who first started calling him "Humpty" Dumpty, if you catch my drift.
When I brought Humpty's perfidious deeds to the attention of the courts, he used his power to shut the case down and threatened me with prison and the girls with death. Though I feared the mortal guards little and Humpty's threats even less, I knew I could not endanger the serving girls, so let the matter drop. But, I also decided to begin a campaign of getting under his skin and tricking him into revealing himself to the King.
At first I started out subtle. I would see him in the gardens and say, "Isn't it an eggs-straordinary day, Minister?" as I walked on by. Or I would invite him to one of my lovely afternoon teas and tell him, "I am eggspecting you, Mortimer. Don't let me down."
Though I got a few dark looks from Humpty, he wasn't letting his facade crack, if you'll pardon the pun, so I kicked up my efforts and began needling him in Council sessions. After he helped to vote down a measure to provide help to a flooded village, I said in front of everyone, "Ooh, Minsiter, you sure are a hard boiled one." And once Council was adjourned, I asked him very loudly if he wanted to join me for some eggsercise. "You are looking a little round on your bottom, Mortimer!"
Well, despite my best efforts, Humpty never responded to me in public, making sure that he kept his face neutral at all times. But I found out later that he was being affected by my little cracks at his expense, if you'll pardon the pun once again. Unfortunately, his ire wasn't directed at me but rather towards the girls. One by one, the chambermaids began disappearing, though I didn't notice immediately. It was when their dead bodies began to appear around the Kingdom that I finally saw what was happening.
I was furious.
I decided to confront that old lecher immediately and settle him and his nasty ways once and for all. I walked around the grounds only to find him sitting on one of the retaining walls overlooking the gardens. He saw me approach and knew what I was there for.
"Do you still want to play, Magician?" he asked, his lips curled up in a sneer. "You can continue your ridiculous sallies against me, but it won't do you any good. Besides, you are looking rather eggshausted. Can you be everywhere at once, Magician? Can you watch me and the guardsman at the same time? Can you bring back all of the dead girls with your magic?"
I simply stared at him, unable to speak. I've been face to face with evil before and can always recognize it for what it is, and he was evil.
"I think I shall enjoy little Melissa tonight. What say you, Magician? Isn't she just eggstremely delightful?"
Melissa. The girl who always woke me in the morning with a cheerful smile and all the gossip fit to hear. The little thing couldn't be more than 13 years old.
"You do what you will, Mortimer," I told him quietly. "And I shall do the same."
He laughed at that, his hands going around his large belly, his guffaws following me as I walked away.
"What is that supposed to mean, you old fool? I am invincible here! I wield the power here! You are as ...."
But I never learned what he was about to say, for at that moment, I spun around and leveled my staff in his direction. I summoned a burst of wind that gusted towards the bad egg; it hit him full on in the face, causing him to lose his balance and fall from the wall to the gardens below. I heard his terrified shriek followed by a horrific crunching sound as he hit the paving stones.
The King's Guard rushed over to try and help, but they could do very little and were far too late. One of the Guard said he had seen me gesture towards the dead Minister and suggested I be arrested. I countered that I thought he looked a bit like a rat and could do something to make the resemblance greater. He let the matter lie.
So Mortimer Dumpty was dead, the girls were safe, and I was hailed as a hero by the servants. From then on, I was always treated by them to the best linens, the best pillows, and the best breakfasts, though I did ask that they never serve me scrambled egg again.
Excerpt from The Memoirs of Dr Mandragora: From the Maudlin to the Macabre
