Well, I knew it had to happen sooner or later; I was just hoping that I would have had some sort of warning, an inkling that the forces of the world were arranged against me. You would think that after having spent lifetimes in service to, and in protection of, others, I would have been spared some amount of pain, allowed some amount of recompense.
But no. No matter how hard you work to defend the weak, to assist Mother Earth against the forces of Chaos, you discover that you are owed nothing. Calamities will still tumble from the sky and make your life a living Hell. As I am sure you can guess by now, I have just received some terrible news.
My mother is coming to visit.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love my momma. What gay boy doesn't love his mother or isn't loved in return? We are like a son and the perfect daughter all rolled into one. We can play sports, have offspring and continue the family name, love to shop, have great taste in clothes and accessories, love to gossip, and all without the drama during the PMS. Yes, it's the best of both worlds.
The reason I am not happy about her visit is that she doesn't know I am gay. I know I should have said something ages ago, but the time never seemed quite right. And, if that isn't enough, the last time I spoke to her, I may have accidentally suggested that I have a girlfriend, two children born out of wedlock, and a dog named Nathaniel. And now, Mom is on her way to meet them all.
I know, I know, you don't have to tell me what you are thinking because I am already thinking it myself. Mandragora, where on earth are you going to find a dog that answers to Nathaniel on such short notice?
Well, focus people, that is the least of my worries! I need to figure out what I am going to do about finding someone to play a wife for a few days. It obviously needs to be a woman; my mother won't be fooled by anything less. That in itself is sticky in that I don't have any women friends, unless you count Kandy Kane, my dear transgendered housekeeper. But I couldn't ask her to play the role of wife, not with that trashy shade of lipstick she insists upon wearing.
Of course, all of this subterfuge could be avoided if my mother simply didn't insist on coming. Why did she have to come? Why couldn't she just believe my story about have a wife and family without her having to come in person to meet everyone. It's like she thinks I am lying or something. Like she doesn't trust me to tell her the truth about myself. That is what upsets me the most. Where is the trust?
It reminds me of the time when I was still a young man and had told her I was practicing every night at my friend Jacob's place for an upcoming Wizards Tournament. Well, there wasn't actually a tournament scheduled and I wasn't really at Jacob's place. I was actually heading off to the Coliseum to watch the very handsome gladiators perform in the arenas. I had recently discovered my love for athletics (and my love for the athletes), and was obsessed with attending the nightly games.
Well, Mother was a Master class Elemental Magician herself, specializing in Fire and Ice magic and was interested in attending the tournament. After asking around the Wizard circles for information, she discovered there was no tournament, I wasn't at Jacob's, but rather was sitting with the masses in the Coliseum stands. At least she didn't find out that I was sitting on the massive gladiators afterwards, if you know what I mean.
Do you see, now, how there is no trust between us? Instead of just asking me for tournament details, she goes around to other people and then accuses me of lying to her when she discovers I had made up the whole tournament story. Really, Mother, somebody obviously has trust issues.
Well, the more I ponder my latest dilemma, the more I think the time has arrived for me to come clean. Instead of continuing to pretend I have a dog named Nathaniel, I should just tell her the truth. I need to let her know who I am and what I stand for. I am the foremost expert in the Ars Magicka. I have friends in powerful places. I have traveled the world, met the ancient gods and goddesses, and am respected by many. I have nothing to be ashamed of and many things to be proud of, and if that isn't good enough for her, then that's her problem.
Yes. The truth. It shall set you free, or so I've heard.
Oh my God, was that a knock at the door? Excuse me, I need to let you go now. I have to put up an illusion around my home to redecorate it with the Martha Stewart collection. I told mother Martha had decorated my home as a personal favor. Mother loves Martha.
Excerpt from The Memoirs of Mandragora: From the Maudlin to the Macabre
