I follow several personal blogs, as opposed to picture blogs, and over the last few days I've noticed several bloggers reporting struggles and disagreements with their respective family. Without going into specifics about each blogger, the overall theme seems to be that their (our) families have expectations of us and make demands upon us, pressures which oftentimes goes counter to the desires of the blogger. Needless to say, this dynamic puts pressure upon everyone involved, with the results being anger or stress or fear or disappointment. In one blogger's case, his family is treating him like a leper over his homosexuality, a situation which I find ridiculous and reprehensible. In fact, I was so rattled when I read his account, my instinct was to rush in and do what I could to help; that would be impossible, of course, but it took me a day and a half to let that particular feeling go. ( I have a powerful sense of protectiveness over people I like. I'm not sure where I got that from; certainly not from my self-centered family.)
I have always believed that we are responsible to ourselves. We should follow our own destiny, make our own happiness, and not worry about pleasing other people. In fact, for those of you who have been around for a while, do you recall my mentioning my friend who says she receives messages from God? (Of course, two years later, I now realize she is insane and probably bipolar. But I digress.) One of the messages she received on my behalf said that we are responsible for our own happiness only; we could be concerned for others, but their happiness is not our responsibility.
So then, what does that mean to a family who, for example, has one child, and that child grows up and is gay. The family suddenly begins to put pressure on that child. "What about grandchildren?" they ask. "Are you going to deny us the joy of watching your own children grow up?" Or better yet, "Who is going to continue the family name?" they ask. Legitimate questions, yes?
If we believe that we owe something to our parents and society, then it seems we should buckle under and say, "You are right. I am being selfish in not doing what everyone expects of me." If, however, you believe that you are not responsible for other people's happiness, but should find yours, the answer is far different. Instead, the fact that they want grandkids or they want someone to "carry on" isn't our responsibility. This is not to suggest that kids and such are counter to happiness. Many gay couples adopt, for example. I am simply saying that a person's decision to take a wife or have kids should be done if it makes them happy, not their family.
Besides, I think when a parent starts saying those things, it is an attack of sorts. Instead of yelling at their child for "choosing" to be gay, they decide to go at them through guilt instead. And that is all those sort of remarks are designed to do: make you feel guilty.
It becomes a "what about me" thing. But I want grandkids. You owe me. But who will carry on the family name? You owe me. You are making your mother cry. You owe me.
Well guess what? I don't believe we owe them anything. None of us chose to be attracted to our own gender, and we certainly aren't attracted to guys in order to rob our parents of something they think they are entitled to.
I have to do what is important to me and attain that which makes me happy. Our families and society at large can follow us along and be happy for us. Or, they can be miserable and embarrassed because their son likes guys' asses. That choice is completely theirs. They can choose to be happy or not.
I've already made my choice, and I hope you do as well. Hang in there, guys. This too shall pass and you will be stronger for the experience.
