Questions Raised by Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

I did not write this, but rather came across this bit of silliness a few years back. I suspect everyone here has seen it already, but I am compelled to repost it here.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Sixteen Serious Questions Raised By

"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"

1. WHY IS SANTA SUCH A COMPLETE BASTARD?

I'm going to say he has a chemical disorder, probably Bipolar. The elves sing him a very nice song and he's a total jerk about it, leaving the desperately co-dependent Mrs. Clause to patch things up. He has some sort of eating disorder that causes his weight to fluctuate wildly. He tells Dasher he should be ashamed for presenting Rudolph to the community simply because the child has some sort of nose disorder. He only changes his mind about Rudolph once he figures out a way to exploit him. Plus, this guy is absolutely ITCHING to cancel Christmas. Hey Santa. It's not your call. Christmas is the day Jesus was born. God will let you know if Christmas is cancelled. Until then, get your ass in the damn sleigh.






2. WHAT'S UP WITH CLARICE?

A generation of men my age is all screwed up because Rankin/Bass decided to make Clarice disturbingly attractive. She's a little forward, a little coy, and those eyelashes! I swear to God, we should all organize a class action suit to pay for our therapy.

3. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE ELVES?

Why are they such fascists? Like the head elf isn't way different than all the others? And what about the tall elf? Is he an engineer? Is he from MIT? Why is he tall? And how come the head elf and the tall elf don't get any shit but Hermy does?

4. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE REINDEER?

Okay, Rudolph's glowing, squealing nose is weird as shit, but why do the other reindeer find it terrifying? What about a glowing, squealing nose makes other reindeers pupils shrink and their bodies convulse? And why does it mean the poor bastard can't  play in any reindeer games'? He's the best at flying, especially once Provocative, Jailbait Clarice comes onto him. Is this like back when Negroes weren't allowed to play football?

5. IS IT HERMY OR HERBIE?

I swear, he gets called both over the course of less than an hour.


6. IS HERMY GAY?

Yes. Forty years ago you couldn't talk about homosexuality among puppets on TV, so they used the word 'dentist' instead of 'fag'.

7. IS YUKON CORNELIUS GAY?

No. Yukon Cornelius, like 7% of the population, is asexual.

8. WHAT'S THE DEALIO ON THAT FRIGGIN' TALKING SNOWMAN?

Forty years ago, Burl Ives, who lent his voice and a lot more of his image than you'd think to the Talking Snowman was a big star. Now nobody remembers hits like "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" (a song that is actually about Hobos dying of malnutrition, exposure and alcoholism) or "The Ugly Bug Ball" (which is actually about unattractive bugs gathering to dance) or his Oscar winning turn as "Big Daddy" in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". All anyone remembers about Burl Ives is that he is the talking snowman and they don't even know he was really Burl Ives. I imagine this makes the ghost of Burl Ives just about as mad as fuck.

9. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH TIME AT THE NORTH POLE?

Okay, follow me here. Rudolph runs away from home right after Reindeer practice. He has adventures with Herbie and Yukon Cornelius and visits the Island of Misfit Toys. Then he leaves them behind and is off on his own long enough to enter puberty and grow antlers. Meanwhile, his Dad went to look for him right after he ran away, followed almost immediately by his mom and that Little Tart Clarice. The near adult Rudolph returns home to be informed by Santa that everyone's gone looking for him. We know it's been less than a year because Santa says he can't fly the team without Rudolph's dad, but it sure as hell has been a while. Rudolph goes directly to the Abominable snowman's cave JUST IN TIME TO STOP HIM FROM EATING THE ODDLY PROVOCATIVE CLARICE!

How are we supposed to view this sequence of events? Where Mom, dad and Clarice looking for Rudolph for almost a year before the Abominable caught them? It's just a coincidence Rudolph stumbles upon them moments after that?

I think this stretches credulity. I'm forced to assume that somewhere in the vicinity of the Island of Misfit Toys there's an object of immense mass, perhaps a Fallen White Dwarf Star, and that proximity to this mass causes relativity in time so that Rudolph has aged nearly a year while only having left the Pole for about a day.

10. DO CLARICE'S PARENTS JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT?

Rudolph runs away and his folks go after him. Clarice disappears and her parents don't appear in the special. Is she an orphan? Is that why she's always on the make, looking for the love she never got? Or maybe she's got that smokin' hot thing going on chicks get when Daddy can't be bothered.

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about here. You want her as much as I do and you don't give a damn that she's a reindeer.

11. WHY IS KING MOON RACER SO DAMN COOL?


Aside from the fact that a Lion with wings is pretty cool to begin with, no one knows. I mean what does he do? He's king of an Island of Misfit Toys and all he wants is for Santa to take them off his paws. Then what would he be king of? A lot of Permafrost, that's what. But he's still cool as hell and anyone who says he isn't can meet me out back for a serious beating.

12. IS THE BUMBLE RETARDED OR WHAT?

Ten minutes before Herbie yanks his teeth out, this hulking brute snapped a damn stalactite of the roof of his cave and beat Rudolph unconscious with it. Now he's harmless cause he doesn't have teeth?

HELLO!

You still have huge friggin' claws! You're still a friggin' GIANT! Get another stalactite and beat Yukon Cornelius to prospector paste instead of letting him push you off a damn cliff!

13. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DOLL ON THE ‘ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS'?

She looks fine, right? She isn't. She wouldn't be on the ‘Island if Misfit Toys' if she was. Check it out. Rudy tells King Moon Racer that if he ever gets back to the North Pole he'll give Santa the 411 on the Misfits. Christmas Eve, when the doll thinks Santa isn't going to show, she goes on a crying jag and accuses Rudolph of having promised to help them.

Okay, A.) he never made any damn promise and B.) Rudolph doesn't run Christmas, Santa does and he's a complete, manic depressive bipolar bastard.

I'll tell you why the doll is a misfit. She's a lying little bitch.

14. WHY DOESN'T CHARLIE IN THE BOX CHANGE HIS NAME?

You can do that, you know. Have your name changed.



15. WHY DOESN'T THE JELLY SQUIRTING WATER PISTOL EMPTY OUT THE JELLY AND PUT IN WATER?

I mean, it's not brain surgery. Stop looking for Santa to solve your problems. He's a bastard.

16. WHY DOES RUDOLPH AGREE TO LEAD SANTA'S SLEIGH?

I mean, when someone treats you that way, all they deserve is a swift hoof in the nuts. I'm serious. Guide your own damn sleigh. Then when you crash in the Andes you can eat your Reindeer to survive.

After all, nobody likes a skinny Santa.

Apple and Pear Popovers

My brother and his son came by today for lunch. I wasn't expecting company, but luckily, I had been simmering a pot of carne guisada that I had originally intended for dinner. So, I just cranked up the heat to finish it sooner, made some rice, and had a decent lunch set up in no time.

Since I was still in a cooking mood, I then made us some popovers with apple, pear, and cranberries as a dessert. The good thing about these popovers is that they are not overly sweet and are airy, so your brain thinks you are eating something big, but you really aren't.

Ingredients


2 eggs
1 cup milk
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
2 tablespoons plus 6 tablespoons butter
1 Red Delicious apple, peeled, cored, and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 pear, peeled, cored, and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 cup dried sweetened cranberries


Directions


Heat the oven to 425 degrees F.

Whisk the eggs and milk together in a medium bowl. Add the flour, salt, and sugar and whisk until blended. Melt 2 tablespoons of butter and whisk it into the batter.

In each cup of a regular sized 12 muffin muffin tin, divide cold butter, apple pieces, pear pieces, and cranberries. Place the muffin tin in the oven for 5 minutes to melt the butter and cook the fruit slightly.

Remove the tins from the oven and pour the batter into each cup filling them half way up. Bake for 10 minutes, then reduce the heat to 375 degrees F and bake until puffed and golden brown, 16 to 20 minutes more.

Serve hot.

Damnit Jim, I'm a Cooker Guy, Not a Caterer!

Tomorrow evening, my sister is hosting a dinner party on behalf of my niece. Since she will be cleaning and decorating the house (and can't cook her way out of a paper sack), she asked me to provide the food for the evening.

She said she wanted a meat lasagna, a side salad, and something sweet for dessert. After thinking about it, though, I don't think a greasy slab of meat lasagna is appropriate dinner party fare. Instead, I am going to make a ricotta/parmesan/spinach filled rolled lasagna instead. I think it will be more elegant and tastier.

Since I haven't made it in a while, I made it this evening as a dry run. And I took pictures to share! Yay!





Ingredients

Sauce:
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
4 teaspoons all-purpose flour
1 1/4 cups whole milk
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper
Pinch ground nutmeg


Lasagna:
1 (15-ounce) container whole milk ricotta cheese
1 (10-ounce) package frozen chopped spinach thawed (obviously) and squeezed dry (obvs part 2)
1 cup grated Parmesan
1 large egg, beaten to blend
3/4 teaspoon salt, plus more for pasta water
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 to 2 tablespoons olive oil
8 uncooked lasagna noodles
2 cups marinara sauce
1 cup shredded mozzarella


Directions

To make the sauce: Melt the butter in a heavy medium saucepan over medium-low heat. Add the flour and whisk for 3 minutes. Whisk in the milk. Increase the heat to medium-high. Whisk the sauce until it is thick and smooth. Whisk the salt, pepper, and nutmeg into the white sauce. Pour the bechamel into a 9x12 inch cake pan.

Mix the ricotta, spinach, Parmesan cheese, egg, salt, and pepper in a medium bowl to blend.

Add a couple of tablespoons of oil to a large pot of boiling and salted water. The noodles need to be cooked until just tender but still a bit firm since they will continue to be cooked in the oven. Drain them. Arrange the noodles in a single layer on a baking sheet to prevent them from sticking. Lay out each noodle on a work surface, then spread some of the ricotta mixture evenly over each noodle.

Starting at the narrow end, roll each noodle tightly. Lay the lasagna rolls seam side down, without touching, atop the bechamel sauce in the cake pan. Repeat with the remaining noodles and ricotta and spinach filling.

Spoon 1 cup of marinara sauce over the lasagna rolls. Sprinkle the mozzarella over the lasagna rolls.

Cover tightly with foil and bake at 450 degrees until heated through and the sauce bubbles, about 20 minutes. Uncover and bake until the cheese on top becomes golden, about 15 minutes longer. Let stand for 10 minutes. Meanwhile, heat the remaining marinara sauce in a heavy small saucepan over medium heat until hot, and serve as a plate sauce.

Mexican Rice

I received a couple of emails asking me what I meant by Mexican Rice. To be honest, I'm not sure what I meant by the term because rice in Mexico is not like this! Lol! This style of rice is fairly typical of what South Texas cooks churn out of their kitchens, featuring a lot of spice and fresh produce.

I will walk you through the steps that I go through to make it, but understand that every cook has their own ingredients and believes theirs is the best. For example,in my opinion, my family's way is much tastier than what I find in most other kitchens and even local restaurants.  Ha! (Oh, hold on, my cap has become a bit tight on my head. How odd.......It's almost as if the cap shrank...)

Ingredients
1/2 cup of long grain rice
canola oil to cover the bottom of a pot
1/2 roma tomato, diced small
1/4 small onion, diced small
1 cup chicken stock (I prefer Kitchen Basics. The Swanson broth is all salt and no flavor.)
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/4 tsp paprika
handful cilantro, chopped
salt/pepper to taste

Makes 4 1/4 cup servings

1. Cover the bottom of a small pot with canola oil and place on medium heat.

2. Once the oil is hot, put in the rice and allow to cook until brown. The oil should not be over the rice, as if deep frying, but each grain of rice should wind up coated at least. (Warning: If you have too much oil, the rice will come out shiny and greasy. Blech!)

3.  Once the rice is browned, add in the onion and tomato. Let them saute for about 2 minutes.

4. Add the chicken stock, garlic powder, chili powder, paprika, salt, pepper, and cilantro. Stir once to incorporate all the spices and cover the pot with a lid. (Warning: Don't stir any more than that or the rice will come out sticky and gummy. I prefer individual grains of cooked rice.)

5. Turn the heat down to low and let the rice simmer until all of the liquid is gone.

6. Turn the heat off and let the covered rice sit undisturbed for about 10 minutes. The rice will continue to cook with the residual steam and will fluff up.

I generally make a whole cup of rice at a time and, therefore, double all of the ingredients. I just made a half cup today, though, to have photos for this post.

Variations:

A. Instead of cilantro, you can put 1/4 of a bell pepper or a whole jalapeno. Just be sure to put in one of them for flavor.

B. Some cooks like to put ground cumin instead of the paprika.

C. Some cooks will use canned tomato sauce in place of the fresh tomato. One friend of mine actually roasts whole tomatoes and then blends them with onion and puts the resulting tomato sauce in her rice.

An illustration of the amount of tomato and onion.

Browned rice.

(Btw, I actually have too much oil here. You can see it. I drained the extra before

going to my next step. Hey, sorry for the screw up! Who do I look like, Martha Stewart? Sheesh!)

Rice with slightly cooked tomato and onion.

Water has evaporated, but rice is still slightly hard.

Flowered rice in an unfocused photo

F-ing auto focus....

Cinnamony Goodness

I was in the mood for something sweet this evening, so decided to whip up some cinnamon rolls.

Here is the dough rolled out after being allowed to rise for an hour beforehand. I like to add a bit of  spice to my doughs, be they pie crusts or sweet breads, especially if there is going to be fruit and such added in. Whatever spice is in the filling is what I put in the dough. In this case, the dough has a bit of cinnamon and cardamom.

I then spread a stick of melted butter over the dough, then sprinkle a cinnamon/sugar/cardamom mixture.

Finally, a generous portion of pecans.

I let the cut rolls proof again until they have filled up the baking pan.

Brown and hot from the oven!

Yum.

Finito!

Covered in a brown sugar and orange glaze.

Mm mm mm mm mm!

Dinner With the Doc: Monday Edition

So, today I decided to make a Mexican salpicon (shredded beef with onion, bell pepper, tomato, jalapeno pepper, and seasonings), a lettuce, tomato, and cilantro salad, pinto beans (not pictured), and Mexican style rice. Mmm mm!

Who's in?