Wallpaper Wednesday

The Touch of the Master's Hand

"Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer

Thought it scarcely worth his while

To waste much time on the old violin,

But he held it up with a smile.

"What am I bidden, good folks," he cried,

"Who'll start bidding for me?

A dollar, a dollar - now who"ll make it two -

Two dollars, and who"ll make it three?

"Three dollars once, three dollars twice,

Going for three". . . but no!

From the room far back a gray-haired man

Came forward and picked up the bow;

Then wiping the dust from the old violin,

And tightening up the strings,

He played a melody,pure and sweet,

As sweet as an angel sings.

The music ceased and the auctioneer

With a voice that was quiet and low,

Said: "What am I bidden for the old violin?"

And he held it up with the bow;

"A thousand dollars - and who'll make it two?

Two thousand - and who'll make it three?

Three thousand once, three thousand twice

And going - and gone," said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,

"We do not quite understand -

What changed its worth?" The man replied:

"The touch of the Master's hand."

And many a man with life out of tune,

And battered and torn with sin,

Is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd.

Much like the old violin.

A "mess of pottage," a glass of wine,

A game and he travels on,

He's going once, and going twice -

He's going - and almost gone!

But the MASTER comes, and the foolish crowd,

Never can quite understand,

The worth of a soul, and the change that's wrought

By the touch of the MASTER'S hand.

Myra B. Welch

_____________________________________________________________________

How many of us are covered in dust and feel discarded by life? How many of us are beaten down by circumstances, by errors in judgement, by the disdain of society? How many of us see each new day not as a blessing, but as a burden?

The motivational speakers tell us that we are the pilots of our lives, that we make the choice to be happy or to be sad, to be positive or to be bitter.

I disagree.

If we were able to fix everything ourselves, then don't you think everything would be fixed? We would need no doctors, no therapists, no medications, no spiraling thoughts dragging us down into darkness. But we can't, and so there are.

For those with faith, though, there will always be someone to watch over us, to dust us off, tighten our strings, and make sure that we know our worth again, make certain that our heart is perfectly tuned, to make us whole and soulful again, no matter how worn we may be.

The Master is there if you choose to acknowledge him.

________________________________________________________________________

Ye of little faith will be engulfed with faith when your mountain of a burden becomes a mere pile of dust that will then be carried away on the wind, and makes a fool of the man that thinks faith exists only when it is tested.

Practice patience for My WILL can be revealed in due time. Until then, My son, allow your spirit to rejoice and your heart to feel My presence. For I dwell within you. Do not fret on the day's events, but rather embrace them as they are a part of My plan to make you one with Me.

Be happy, be free.

Allow your spirit to connect with others that lead you to Me. Be at peace, my son, for I am always with you.

The Word of God as delivered to me by a prophet

Tuesday's Grub

I copped out today. I didn't feel like cooking so we got fish from a local restaurant instead.

fried fish

french fries

cole slaw

onion rings

heart disease

Mmmmmm! Heart disease!

The Death Star Versus A Borg Cube

I saw this debate yesterday over at one of the Chans I visit from time to time. The responses from some of the posters were hilarious in that some of those people were really getting upset with each other. I saw arguments about the physics of FTL drives, how far a Sith's mind control can be exerted, lasers versus phasers, deflector shielding versus armor shielding, and others.

So, I thought I would pose the question to Sine Logicum readers. In a battle between the Death Star and a single Borg cube, who do you think would win?

Feel free to write comments in the comment box.

Girls Are Evil

This is something that I have said for years. Girls are the embodiment of Evil.

During my thousands of years of existence, I have seen children/teen/adult males and females, and have noticed that the genders handle stress/strife/relationships in different ways. Let's take friendships, for example.

Boys tend to hang out with whoever happens to be near them. Yes, boys have friends they gravitate to more often, yes, boys will even form a "best friend" relationship with another boy. But, by and large, boys will not cut another boy out of the group just to me mean. There will, on occasion, be some poor fellow who is just "different" from the group and will not be invited to play with the larger boy collective, but there is generally a few other nonconventional boys who he can hang out with.

Girls, on the other hand, form cliques at a very young age. Their goal is to gather sycophantic friends around them. The group, then, makes it a point to ostracize other girls not in the group. Or, the group will expel a member who has upset someone. I have even seen girls talk to other non-group girls into not being "so-and-so's" friend because the group was mad at her for some stupid reason. I actually had one girl come crying to me, saying that I just didn't understand what it was like having to fight for friends every day.

Boys generally include other boys; girls generally exclude other girls.

In terms of handling issues, boys and girls approach this differently as well. When two boys get angry at each other, they will physically fight, each throwing a few punches before the other boys pull them apart. Once that is done, within 15 minutes, the matter has been resolved, and the boys are friends again. Girls, however, get mad at each other, and the anger seethes within them for weeks. The insulted party will sulk and plot and plan, gathering her little minions around her who also get in on the action. They pick and poke and insult and backstab the girl who angered them for weeks. Very often the adults around them are not even aware that there is an issue at hand, or that the girls are "fighting", because girls do it in such a sneaky and underhanded way.

This is exactly what my poor 17 year old niece is having to endure at the moment.

My niece has always been very active and involved in groups and causes since she was in elementary school. She likes being busy and she likes doing things to help other people. Well, since her freshman year in high school, she joined the dance team at her school since she didn't make it to cheerleader, and she was fine with that. She helped out with yearbook, she joined clubs, she mentored junior high aged girls through an organization, she pushes for recycling at her school, she has appeared in 3 of her school plays, etc.

Her first three years in high school were fun for her.

Now that she is a senior, she decided that she wanted to try some new things. She ran in a local pageant and won. She was crowned Miss Insert Small Town Name Here. So, she qualifies for scholarship money, and she has parades to attend, etc. This causes her some grief, because a "friend"of hers came in 4th place. Well, this friend was caught drinking at a party and had some very tacky photos of herself up on her MySpace. The pageant people caught wind of this, and stripped her of her position on the court. This "friend" then started telling people that it was my niece who turned her in and got a few girls to start being ugly to my niece.

Then, my niece decided to try out for cheerleader again, just to see of she had it in her to make the squad. She made cheerleader and also made Captain because of her tumbling ability/leadership skills. Well, 2 girls were mad at that because they wanted to be captain and had been on the squad for 2 years already. They have been making my poor niece's life hell. They have sent her nasty text messages. Their mothers have sent my sister nasty emails. They have been putting trash on and around my nieces vehicle which she has to push aside every day after school before she can leave.

There have been multiple incidents already, and I am not going to list them all, but my poor niece has taken hit after hit. As of today, Monday, the main instigator is being suspended from all cheerleader activities for 1 week due to the latest thing she pulled against my niece, and now my niece is convinced that the instigator will get the other cheerleaders to turn against her.

I think what bothers me the most about all of this is that, before my trouble began a year and a half ago, I was in a position to be able to do something to help her out. Until I get my current troubles settled, though, I am powerless to move a finger to help out, and I just have to sit here and watch her struggle and wilt just a little more every time a new assault comes her way. And it sucks watching this happen.

My sister has taken steps already to make people aware, my niece is well known and liked by the school administrators, so it's not as if there aren't other people who can help. In fact, one of the football players last week cussed out the girl thrown off of the pageant court (and is also a cheerleader), telling her, "Stop talking about (My Niece) already! You're nothing but a fucking drama whore!" in the hallway between classes. Now, if the football guys are starting to grow tired of it all, you know the girls are going at my niece nonstop. That says quite a bit about the situation.

As I said earlier, girls are very sneaky and underhanded in how they go about bullying other girls, so I'm not sure how effective adult help/boy help is going to be here. My niece is one tough kid, though, and she is weathering it well, but I fear her senior year is not the fun-filled experience she was hoping for.

She came by yesterday for my birthday, and I gave her the benefit of my accumulated years of experience. I told her, "Now, Sweetums (my nickname for her), if you start feeling stressed at what's going on around you, just remember what your uncle said. Fuck those bitches."

My sister gasped and shook her head at me, but my niece laughed. I think she'll remember.

Monday's Repast

On the menu today:

New York Strip

fideo

green beans

Not what I was in the mood for, but my brother and nephew came by for dinner, and this is what they both wanted. Oh well.

A Public Service Announcement

Found at WWdN:In Exile

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday dear me.

Happy birthday to me.

Perspective

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate

of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

C. S. Lewis

Friday's Dinner

I was in the mood for a little Italian tonight, but Danny DeVito was otherwise engaged.

I had to settle for making a fettuccine alfredo with peas, bacon, and grilled chicken.

Having a serious addiction to sweets, I also decided to usher in the Fall

with some pumpkin bread for dessert.

Mmmmmmm!

And The Morans Take the Offensive

And when I say offensive, I definitely mean offensive.

I was really hoping I would have reason to write another post about the "English only" jokers who themselves can't use English, because I forgot to include this picture ---> with the previous post. So, yay!

According to the following article from The Sun, a man named Raymond Herrera is complaining that his local bank has placed billboards in both English and Spanish. Mr. Herrera feels that advertisements in Spanish are an insidious assault upon the language and culture of America and, in an attempt to protect his motherland, is circulating a petition amongst like-minded folk. Said petition will be delivered to the San Bernardino city council asking them to require all billboards be written in English only.

Now, rather than my rehashing all of the pertinent facts, the original article appears below. I have inserted a bit of commentary here and there which will appear in italicized red.

___________________________________________________________________________

Group Takes Offense at Spanish Billboards

written by Stacia Glenn

Two signs in Spanish that advertise banking services to the community's sizable Latino population are being derided by a group that claims the signs pander to illegal immigrants. That's right, because as everyone knows, only illegal immigrants speak Spanish. Legal immigrants receive a cranial implant giving them instant command of English.

Raymond Herrera, who first noticed the signs last month, has asked the City Council to require billboards in the city be in English.

Herrera is circulating a petition that will be delivered to Wells Fargo's corporate offices.

"It is incumbent upon all Americans that when you see a decadence arise that will threaten our language and culture, our national identity, to rise to the occasion and push the awareness button and alert the people," Herrera said, speaking both as a resident and founder of We the People, California's Crusader. I think someone just bought a new thesaurus! And since when is knowing a second language considered "decadent"? Eating two servings of chocolate mousse is decadent. Attending a sleepover at Neverland Ranch is decadent. Knowledge and understanding are never decadent. Mr. Herrera is obviously descended from the men who burned books in Germany. That sentence, by the way, is a horribly constructed mess that I am not even going to go into; I haven't the strength.

We the People's Web site says the organization seeks to influence "institutions of political corruption" and "the corporations and employers that unlawfully hire and exploit illegal aliens." So Wells Fargo hires untrained and illegal immigrants who don't speak English and then exploits them? How? To serve as tellers with no coffee breaks? Or perhaps to run one of their branch offices with no 401(k) contributions? Damn the illegal immigrants! They are taking all of our Vice President of Banking jobs!

A Wells Fargo spokeswoman said the banking giant is reviewing the two billboards posted on Hesperia's Main Street.

"It's important that all our customers understand our company communications - including our advertising - which is why you'll discover we advertise in multiple languages," spokeswoman Edna M. Silva wrote in an e-mail. "We use marketing and advertising to build awareness of the

products and services we offer to meet our customers' financial needs and help them to succeed financially." What? A business who's goal is to help people manage their finances? No wonder Mr. Herrera is outraged. Since when should Spanish speakers be able to manage their money responsibly when Americans haven't been able to do that for decades now? Damn upstarts!

Of the nearly 90,000 people who live in Hesperia, 46 percent are Latino and 34 percent speak a language other than English at home, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

The city's demographics show 23 percent of its population is Latino.

Raul Martinez, a 20-year resident, said he is offended by We the People's opposition to the billboards and asked why Herrera is not complaining about Taco Bell's "Yo quiero Taco Bell" signs. Yo quiero Taco Bell......... Really? That's your response, Mr. Martinez? You aren't helping the cause here, you know that.

"I'm proud to see (the Wells Fargo) sign up. We've come a long way," he said. "This sign is not hurting the city. It's trying to generate money for the banks." And this is true. When my parents were kids in elementary school, children were punished for speaking Spanish. They could be spanked or suspended if they were heard speaking to each other in their native tongue, though it was far more likely they would simply be embarrassed and humiliated by the teacher in front of the class. So, the fact that businesses are recognizing, respecting, and reaching out to those members of our society that speak another language is laudable.

Several identical signs are posted in other cities in San Bernardino County and throughout Southern California.

____________________________________________________________________________

I am often struck by the number of Hispanics who try to bury the fact that they are products of another culture. They mispronounce their own last names, they attack Hispanics who honor old traditions, or as in the case of Mr. Herrera, they look down upon those who speak Spanish. I also don't understand those people who talk about America's culture and America's language. America's culture is a mixture of everyone else's culture since America is made up of all the different ethnicities who came here from other countries. Sure, some family lines have been here longer than others, but that fact doesn't make them more legitimate, more real, or more "American". America has been an ever changing society that accepts and adopts people of all races, creeds, and languages, and to marginalize a population is unacceptable and, dare I say, unAmerican.

Thanks to the blog Joe.My.God for pointing out this story.

Braised Brisket Strips FTW!

On the menu tonight: brisket strips braised in a tomato/onion/jalapeno salsa, Mexican style rice, and pinto beans.

The Zombie Infiltrators Grow Evermore Insidious

Is It Wrong......

.....that I find this erotic?

Just looking at this hunky man dressed as Pikachu makes me want to dress up as Ash Ketchum and say, "I choose you, Pikachu!"

Seeing him makes me wish to see his set of Master Balls, if you know what I mean.

I'd love a Pika that, and make no mistake!

As a Pokemon trainer, I would work all night long if necessary to train him to come on command.

In the cartoon, Pikachu would often sit on Ash's shoulder, and I can see this Pikachu sitting near my shoulders as well, if you know what I mean.

Hee hee.

Sorry, I know that was weird. But this photo was just too good to pass up.

Wednesday's Dinner

I have decided, for reasons unknown even to me, for a one week period to take a picture of my dinner and post them here on Sine Logicum.

Today, I made oven roasted chicken, carrots glazed with butter and brown sugar, green beans with bacon, and a side salad.

Yummo!

And the Ignorant Run Amok

Why is it that it is always the ignorant, the uninformed, the xenophobic, and the bad spellers that crowd every protest? You don't see successful men in business suits protesting the fact that our schools teach two languages to students. Is it because they are aware of the value of having a bilingual employee in their company? Is it because they realize that having an employee who can communicate with other cultures and potential customers who don't speak English can only be a benefit?

We don't see teachers protesting bilingual education. Could it be because they are trained in the science and psychology of second language acquisition? They know what research says about how to transition children from one language to another, and it doesn't occur by dumping children into an English only classroom. Research shows that children acquire a conversational level of a second language in 2-5 years. So sure, we can dump them in an English only classroom with no primary language support (instruction in their native language), and they will begin to speak English with some facility in 2-5 years. However, they are now 2-5 years behind in the curriculum that they have sat through and not comprehended since the instruction was delivered to them in words they didn't understand. Sure, that is a great way to educate children, wouldn't you say? Speak gibberish to them for years and then gasp because those kids are behind in their education. Well, it must be because they come from an inferior country, right? Because they are (fill in the blank with whatever ethnicity you discriminate against), right? No! It's because so many of our schools do such a shitty job of meeting those children's needs. Hell, so many of our schools do a shitty job of meeting the English speaking children's needs.

And why is that?

In my opinion, because we have politicians and loud-mouthed parents who interfere with the running of our schools.

Let me ask you this. When you go to see a doctor, do you tell him what your diagnosis is or do you leave him to do his job? If you have ever had the misfortune of needing the services of a lawyer, did you tell him how to organize your defense, or did you leave it to him? If you have ever hired someone to do some work around your house, did you tell them how many feet apart to set wall studs, what type of insulation needed to be used around the new circuit box, or how much rebar to use to strengthen a concrete slab? No, I doubt if you did. You left these people to do their jobs because they were professionals and had training/expertise that you did not.

Yet, so many people seem to think that they have a better way to teach kids, that they know more about educating children then the educators do, and so, we have parents arguing with teachers about how to run their classrooms. We have politicians producing mandates for schools in terms of curriculum, amounts of time to be spent per day per subject, etc. without having any training in education. It's the ignorant making demands and interfering with things they have no expertise in.

They have opinions, of course, but no expertise. The problem with that, though, is that opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one, and they all stink.

Opinions on anything and everything. I had a professor once tell me that everyone looks intelligent on the outside. It's when they open their mouths that their ignorance becomes evident.

Not everyone needs to open their mouths; some people just need to write on a sign. Take a look at these Einsteins.

Perhaps he meant to write Respect Our Country: Speak English

Apparently, he is only concerned with the speaking of English, not so much the proper use of punctuation or homophones.

This particular protester does, indeed, make an interesting point. For some people, English is their only lanaguage (sic), but that is not a good thing.

Here is an illustrative joke:

What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Answer: Bilingual

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Answer: Trilingual

What do you call someone who speaks one language? Answer: An American.

And by the way, family-who-uses-shoe-polish-to-make-political-statements-on-your-SUV, before you start demanding that other people learn to use English, it seems to me that you should make certain that you can use it correctly yourself.

This is, perhaps, my favorite of the bunch.

Get a brain! Morans

Get a brain, indeed.

Alas, these are the vocal ones, the ones we see on the news and in the newspaper, the ones who are energized by the nonsense spouted by rabble rousing talk show hosts. They are out there with their signs, lashing out at anything that is not familiar to them, anyone that doesn't look or think like them, anything that is different from what they know and have experienced in the past.

They cry "Socialism!" without having the faintest idea of what socialism actually is, without even being able to tell you which countries have been socialist in the past, which countries have elements of socialism right now. How do I know this to be true? Allow me to redirect your attention back to the pictures above. Do you really think those people can provide an informed and/or intelligent response to these questions?

Now, I focused primarily on the impact the unwashed masses have on education, because that is the arena in which I have the greatest knowledge, but the ignorant interfere in many many things. Who do you think leads the attacks on homosexuals and homosexuals' rights? Who voted and campaigned for California's Proposition 8? Who thinks that it makes sense to allow millions of people to not have health care coverage or be dropped by their insurance provider because they are using/need that very coverage? Who protests because a slick television loud mouth tells them to, despite the fact that they don't have a grasp on the issues at hand?

I wish I could say that I do not discriminate, but I do. I don't like dumb people. I don't like uninformed people. I don't like people who feel they have a right to judge others as unworthy, or inferior, or not deserving of respect. I don't argue with them, though. What is the point? As Stephen Colbert said to/about George W. Bush, these people operate from their gut, not from facts. If facts do not support their opinion, then the facts are disregarded, and they then justify their ignorance by saying that they just know they are right.

And so, we get protesters defending their right to discriminate, like the folks above. We get interference and legislation written by people who have no knowledge or expertise in the area they are writing laws to govern, and as a result, we get classes of people who's rights are stepped on by the self-righteous and small-minded.

What is the cure for this? I wish I could say. I wish there was an easy solution for getting people to start understanding issues, to start understanding the cultures around us, to start recognizing that they do not exist in a bubble but rather in a dynamic and diversified society. If only there were someplace where all of these ideas could be communicated.

Oh wait.

There is such a place! It's called a school. Now, if only the rabble would leave the schools alone and allow the educators to do their jobs, perhaps, finally, we could start getting kids to "get" a brain so they don't become the next crop of "morans".

It can happen.

(As an aside, before anyone decides to ask for my credentials: I hold two B.A. degrees, an M.A. degree, and am halfway to a Ph.D. So I do have some education under my belt.)

Dinner on a Rainy Tuesday

Beef spare ribs with carrots, celery, potato, fresh corn, and cilantro,

accompanied by freshly baked corn bread with butter.

Yum.

The Spendthrift Diaries

I have always been a lover of books. Since I was a child, reading has been one of my favorite pastimes. My mom and grandmother would buy me books which I would read and then reread for weeks.

As an adult, I have remained a voracious reader, spending about $200 a month on new books. I haven't been able to do that, of course, since my unemployment. In a choice between groceries and a book, one has to choose the groceries by necessity, though I would gladly choose the book instead. After all, a book will stay with you longer than the groceries will, unless you are talking about that tub of Rocky Road ice cream. That stuff seems to stick around, usually on my hips and ass, for far longer than seems fair.

Well, having only the same handful of books, which I have now read several times each, for the last 8 months has grown intolerable. So, a week or so back, I decided to splurge and get some new reading material. I bought 6 books and a DVD collection of Season 1 episodes of my new favorite TV show, Supernatural. Yes, I am well aware that the DVD collection is not reading material and was completely unnecessary, especially for someone trying to conserve money. But the show is very exciting, reminding me of the old series The Nightstalker, with Darren McGavin, and the two lead men are both very handsome. And, I have always espoused the notion that no one should eek out an existence on bare necessity alone. There has to be something fun, or frivolous, or enjoyable for its own sake in everyone's life.

My particular hobby of reading can be as expensive or inexpensive as I choose to make it, but not all of them are. My brother, for instance, loves horseback riding. He owns two horses which he and his son train and ride for fun. Anyone who knows anything about raising horses is aware that they can be an expense. Feed, hay, veterinarian visits, stabling, trail ride entry fees, etc. add up to a pretty penny. My sister loves scrapbooking, which can also run into money. Different colored/textured papers, die cuts, buttons, stickers, punch thingamabobs, albums, and such are not as cheap as I had thought. She actually has a suitcase filled with scrapbook stuff, which seems like a waste of money to me. Of course, she thinks my buying hardbound books is a waste of money. "Get the paperbacks," she tells me. I don't, of course, because I don't like holding a small paperback book; I prefer hardbound. And I'm a stubborn ass. Or, she tells me to check out copies of books for free from the library. I respond by telling her that she is one to talk, the person who put the crap in scrap books.

I have a friend here in blog land who is in to paintball. I was asking him about that and apparently, that is another expensive hobby. He has a special suit he wears that cost him $700. His gun ran him, I believe, $500. When he actually goes to play, he has to buy paint balls, canisters of the gas propellant, the park entry fee, money for lunch, gas for the long round trip, etc. He estimated that every time he plays, he spends a few hundred dollars.

But as I stated already, no one can live by just going to work, going home, going to work, going home. As Stephen King observed in The Shining, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. So, I am not obsessing over my purchases. And if my sister wants to spend hard earned money on 12"x12" sheets of plaid paper, who am I to gainsay her. If my brother wants to buy bales of hay for an animal that is just going to poop it out a few days later which my brother then has to shovel out of a stall, I say full speed ahead. I, in the meantime, will be immersed in the world of imagination, sipping a glass of iced tea, and having a few homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, since the Rocky Road seems to be finished again. I hate when that happens!

Raymond the Rat

Opposites Attract

This is not going to end well.

Poor Chris Brown

So apparently Chris Brown has begun to serve his community service hours for the incident involving Rhianna. Now, I must admit that I didn't really follow the news stories once Brown was accused of harming the female singer, so I am not qualified to retell what the charges were or discuss what he did or did not do.

All I am able to comment on is my own biased opinion on the fact that Chris Brown looks hella hot in that first photo. Woot!

It occurs to me that, were I the judge, I most probably would not have made a very objective decision regarding Chris Brown's punishment. I mean, he is very cute, has that sweet baby face thing going on, and is extremely sexy.

In fact, I can envision the scene in the courtroom already. I am sitting at the bench, looking down at a contrite Chris Brown. He is wearing a tailored black Armani suit, a pressed dove grey shirt, and black tie, a scarlet handkerchief in the coat pocket (one wants a hint of color). Rhianna is wearing something or other, I don't really notice.

"So Mr. Brown, do you have any final words before sentencing? Are you sure, lad? Please, take your time and compose your thoughts. Yes, I know you are sorry. Yes, I am quite certain that you have learned your lesson. Yes, I understand where you are coming from. Women are emotional and unstable creatures, and I don't blame you one teensy bit. What was that Rhianna? Silence, madame, I did not ask for your opinion."

"Mr. Brown, I have decided to sentence you 100 hours of community service to begin next Monday. However, seeing as how you are a celebrity and are extremely cute, I will not assign you to a work crew, but rather will allow you to serve your time here at the court. Report to my chambers every Monday and Thursday. You will be polishing my floors, dusting shelves, that sort of thing. Oh, and as to dress, you should wear something comfortable. I suggest a pair of tight white bikini briefs, white ankle socks, and a white cap. No, wear nothing else, Chris. May I call you Chris? Excellent. Oh, and I must warn you, I am rather clumsy and tend to drop my pen quite often. You will probably be having to bend over to pick it up for me."

"This court is adjourned. What was that, Miss Rhianna? A travesty of justice? I suggest, Madame, that you hold your tongue unless you wish to be held in contempt of court. Now, get your sway-backed little self out of here before I have you charged with baiting this young man. I have a gavel, girlie, and I am not afraid to use it!"

Alexander Is Death

Well, well, well.

I opened my email earlier and saw an email with the title above. I opened it only to discover that my darling and beloved cyberstalker has finally "died". I thought you would be interested in seeing the email for yourself.

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Michael,

I have the sad duty to tell you that my dear brother Alexander pass away today (monday).

He can´t reach to Rome, he died on our house near Madrid.

He was very strange. He said he was very shame of his past and with you, he only said that he miss you so much and he want to be dead for he could look for you and he sacrifice for you. Maybe you could help me figure it out what did he mean.

Also he asked me that I told you that you was his best friend ever, that you made his last days so happy and he was sorry for how you ended (I don´t know why). He said that you must be very brave and that pleace have faith on God that he listen to you and all your problems will be gone, but you must be patient, that he has his time (all of this said before he died, he said he see God and was very happy that he had forgive him).

His last words were: "Micheal, I love you so much, I will miss you but I be there with you like an angel and please forgive me". On spanish were: "Micheal te amo muchísimo, por favor perdóme, te voy a extrañar muchísimo, pero estaré siempre contigo como un ángel".

Well Micheal nice to meet you, my brother Michel and I are very greatful with you because you made so happy to my brother Alex, he suffer a lot on his last years when he ran away form home. When he told us about you, he had a special smile and we saw him happy for the first time since a long time ago. He didn´t told us how you guys met each other but be sure, that you have a special place in our hearts and on our family, we can´t pay you for all you do for our old brother.

Micheal if you need something please don´t hesitate to ask!

We would like to continue in touch with you I you want.

The funeral service is going to be on Madrid on the Almudena´s Cathedral and then in our place on Serrano Street near the italian embassy.

Thank you for all, for be the joy of our brothers and to give him a sense or way for his suffering. Belive me he suffer a lot, his cancer was very hard and paintful, we thank God he don´t suffer more.

Sincerely yours,

William and Michel Roth Myers

_________________________________________________________________________

So it appears the character of Alexander Roth is no longer. As so many fictitious characters have in the past, his death has been written in indelible ink by his creator and will flit through our imaginations no more.

Unlike heroes such as Gandalf the Grey, Sirius Black, and Arthur Pendragon, his death was not brought about in the defense of others, but rather, he faded away paintfully (sic) and meaninglessly. I am not sure how I am feeling right now, but I do know this: I really need to put that email filter in place posthaste.

I'm Happy for You, But...........

I am sure that most of you are aware of the Kanye West outburst at the MTV music awards. I will not comment about it here. However, the creative minds at 4chan are on the case as witnessed by the spoofs below.

And somehow, this Farside comic just seems apropos.

And You Thought Your Job Stinks

Yahoo and My First Cyberstalker

Well now, I feel that I have finally lost my internet virginity! Woo hoo! I am now a (somewhat) competent user of Yahoo Messenger. Yes, yes, I know what you are all thinking. Yahoo Messenger? He's just discovered Yahoo Messenger? He's either twelve years old or sixty-five. Well, no, gentle readers, I am neither, though my age does fall in between there somewhere.

The reason I am not familiar with Messenger is simply that I've never found the need for any of the instant messenger programs. I talk to people on the phone, I email long distance friends, and I am a power texter. Unlimited text plan ftw! It is only recently I've discovered that Messenger is both fun to use and a great way to connect with people who you are just getting to know, such as internet friends.

Now, I, being the naive messenger rube, assumed that having Messenger friends was going to be all fun and games. Wrong! I've already had to disable one email/Messenger address because I was having an unpleasant experience with people. Luckily for me, it was one of my throw away addresses that I use to sign up for porn. Er, I mean that I use to send out spam to unsuspecting people. No wait, I mean that I use when I don't want to give out my personal email address. Yes, that is the reason I had that particular address, for personal anonymity.

Anyway, during my forays into the world of camforit, I made a few friends, as I believe I've mentioned a dozen times already, a few of them whom I have gotten to know very well through the magic of Messenger. Unfortunately, this is not necessarily a good thing. You see, one of my newfound friends, it turned out, was a psychopath.

Well, okay, he wasn't really a psychopath in that I was never in any danger of being harmed. But saying he was a psychopath was more dramatic than just calling him an asshat. This "friend", who went by the name Hephaestion on camforit, took a liking to me simply based on my ridiculous conversations on the site. He thought I was funny and wanted to chat off site. Since I had just started up my Messenger account, I thought, "Why not? This fellow seems legit!" and gave him my address.

At first, our conversations were fairly normal, though I did find I was giving out an inordinate amount of advice, not something I generally do. He said that he was 24 and had a crush on a straight friend. He had frightened the friend by telling him that he, Hephaestion, was in love with him. When the friend got nervous and walked away, Hephaestion said he got down on his knees and begged the straight friend to stay because he needed him badly. Needless to say, said friend weirded out and high-tailed it far away while Hephaestion cried on the ground.

Now, you would think that any intelligent person would immediately have had klaxons go off in their head. Can you say clingy, needy, drama queen? I knew you could.

I, however, have never been accused of having a great deal of social intelligence and assumed that I was safe from his madness. So, being the kind soul that I am, I tried to talk him through his problems rather than blocking him outright. Big mistake! You see, after two days of talking online, I suddenly realized that Hephaestion was over his bout of a broken heart and had now transfered his affections to me. Great.

He started calling me his "baby" and his "true love" and other such nonsensical lovers' terms that I have always found nauseating and trite when uttered by others. Now that they were being aimed in my directions, I found the terms of endearment to be no longer annoying, but creepy and frightening. I finally had to tell Hephaestion that I was not in love with him, but liked his company. He asked if I would ever love him. Now, what do you say to that? Realistically, my answer was, "Never, nein, not in this lifetime, whatcha talkin' bout Willis, don't go there girlfriend, back off bitch, no."

What I actually said was, "Well, we'll just have to see." And that, dear reader, is why I have been described as the consummate marshmallow.

As a few days passed and I refused to play into his "long distance lovers" game, I started to get an odd feeling that he was going to pull some sort of craziness on me. And sure enough, last Thursday, he informed me that he had been summoned home to Madrid from his college in Rome because his doctor had results from a physical to give him. On Friday, he contacted me on Messenger to say that he had been hospitalized, but the doctors would not tell him why. All he knew was that his family was there and everyone was crying.

Now, I've been through two surgeries for liver tumors. I know that doctors tell the patient what is wrong before they tell the family. I also know that electronics are not allowed in hospitals because they could interfere with delicate instruments. In short, I knew he was lying. But I played along anyway.

In the course of an hour's conversation, he went from having no knowledge of his illness, to knowing he had bone cancer and was scheduled for more tests the next day. Oh really? And he found all of this out at 3:00 am? I don't think so.

Just to throw a bit of a gag his way, I told him I wanted to send him a picture of me so that he would know what I looked like. You see, I don't send pictures of myself to people because, to be frank, that is just too weird, and he had been asking for one for a while. My plan was to send him a picture of some nasty looking fellow as a trollish prank. He then said he wanted me to see him also and would get his brother to take some pictures of him. Being curious as to what he was going to do, I agreed to receive them.

These are the pictures he sent me.

This is the first photo he ever sent, a few weeks back. I didn't ask for it, but he insisted that I know what he look like. I found that rather odd and automatically assumed he was trying to bait me. I mean, why else would you be throwing a picture of a handsome fellow around, right?

This is the first hospital picture. He said it was taken in the public bath area. Let's see. Sexy hip hugger jeans, wife beater t-shirt. That certainly isn't the get up I had to wear in the hospital. I had an oversized barber's cape that didn't even cover my ass.

He said this was a picture his brother took of him next, this time in his own room. Notice the change of clothes and the white washcloth casually tossed over his left shoulder. I thought that was a nice touch for someone deathly ill.

Just to see what he would do, I asked him for a picture of his feet. He hemmed and hawed for a few minutes and then sent me this one. So, now he isn't wearing any pants, is butt naked on the hospital floor, and is posed in a very sexy way for his brother to take the snapshot. Riiiiiight.

As Helen Keller could see, the pictures are not of the same person, were not taken in the same place, and are even different sizes. What nonsense was this? I felt very insulted; just how dumb did he think I was?

So, I called him on his lies, told him that my computer had professional photography software in it, and the EXIF data showed that the pictures were not taken that day, nor did they come from the same camera. This, of course, was a lie in itself, because I don't know the first thing about looking at EXIF data nor do I own photography software. However, as the Wizard's First Rule states, people are stupid and will believe any lie they are told because they wish it to be true or they fear it to be true. And so, he believed me.

I know this because I received an email the next day. Instead of retelling what it says, I will let you read it for yourself.

________________________________________________________________________________

Michael,

I only can tell you that I´m very greatful with you, because you made me so happy. I found in you a treasure. I pray for you and hope your problem be solved soon and you could be very happy.

There is no doubt that I have to pay for my sinner past. I was so afraid to tell you that I was a porn model so that´s why you found the web address on the photos. That´s te only way I could pay for my studies because I ran away from home whem I was 19 when I told my parents that I was gay and they want to send me to a hospital to cure my homosexuality.

Then I was so determine to continue my studies for be someone in life and one day I could return to my home on Madrid and see my parents to his eyes and tell then that I did it by myself.

I´m always honest with you.

I´m Alexander **** ******, I was born 24 for years ago. I study or least used to on the Gregorian University at Rome, you brothers are, Michel, William. My dad is *********** **** Orleans as you could see is a member of the royalty, that´s why he is ashamed of me. My mother is ***** Myers also from the french royalty that´s why I´m ashemed for them. They can't stand a gay son.

Well If you want I could give you my address but as you like.

I received today the news that my cancer is already spread on my lungs and my brain. I will be death very soon.

So Micheal I hope we could see on the other life, and I would be carring from where ever I will be.

Thanks for everything, I really love you!

I will give my life for you, for all your problems died with me.

Yours,

Alexander **** ******

From my bed of the Hospital Pardo de Aravaca

_______________________________________________________

Okay, so according to the letter, he went from not knowing anything was wrong with him to being on his death bed and needing his final sacrament in one day? Really? This must have been the Ebola version of cancer because it went through his body like diaper rash on a baby's ass.

He had also avoided sending pictures or cut off the face because he was a porn star. What? A gay porn star born of Spanish and French nobility fucking his way through life to pay for an education at a venerable Catholic University who was embarrassed to have his face out on the internet. Really? Because I think I saw that exact story line on last week's Disney Channel movie of the week, plagiarist.

I have to admit that I was shocked and disgusted at the audacity of this man, making up lie after lie just to do what? Stop sending me messages? Make me feel guilty for not loving him? Ha! If he only knew. I refuse to take responsibility for anyone else's happiness or sadness. He was barking up the wrong tree on that one.

On Saturday I received a final message on Yahoo Messenger from him. All he put was "Goodbye Michael. I now go to my rest in Rome." So I replied, "Goodbye, Alex. Have your brother email me a link to your obituary."

Somehow I don't think I'll ever be getting that email.

Part of me regrets not reaching out more to him, to tell him he didn't have to continue with his ridiculous charade, that I would be his friend anyway. But another part of me is disgusted by the manipulative tactics he used against me. A person with more compassion and more gullibility than me might very well have been sucked in to his crazy world. I, however, am not particularly gullible and compassion is not my strong suit, and so I saw through his subterfuge almost from the very beginning.

Well. I guess I can chalk this one up to experience.

And so, dear readers, the fact still remains that I am loving being on Messenger and am now one friend short due to the untimely demise of Prince Lies-A-Lot. Anyone who wants to add me on Yahoo Messenger, please feel free to do so. My address is doctor.mandragora@yahoo.com.

Only be warned.

I neither send pictures of myself, nor do I request them. And if you send them anyway, my EXIF reading software will be looking at you very carefully.